Mr. H part 2

 As I ring in this new year I will start it off with embracing the embarrassing situations  that seem to always unfold at the moment when it is most inconvenient for it to happen. I will focus on self love, and stop thinking less of myself. I do have to give a big thank you to the universe for this particular moment that happened over Christmas break. Thank you universe for helping me follow the instinct I had to get ready that day and look cute. I should've just known it was going to happen. It was December 23rd 2013 that day was already an emotional day for me for personal reasons and it surprisingly started out really good.  I decided to get in some last minute Christmas shopping while I waited for my mom and sister to get off work. Store after store I wondered, until I wondered into T.J. Maxx. I was looking at ordainments, and out of the corner of my eye I saw someone pacing back and forth, when I looked up I was him...Mr.H. I felt like I had been hit by a bus, and all I could say was "Holy Crap!" he smiled his fabulous smile. The one that made me want to melt. He pulled me in for a hug and I sunk even more. He looked old, tired, like he had been awake too long reading. Although he looked older and tired, I still fell. As he was talking to me I missed the people we use to be. I missed my best friend.
 I was so happy I was wearing a scarf to cover up those hives. I felt nothing but heat on my neck and cheeks. As a tidal wave emotion hit me I had to remain calm and collective. As we chit chatted he mentioned that he had been dating a girl for a while and had just broken up because she dropped out of school, and long distance wasn't his thing. Typical. Then he asked me if I had been dating, and of course I lied! DUH! Like I am going to tell him that I can't get over him, and that he was the last guy I kissed and the only date I have been on in the last year was with a guy with gout. So I made an educated decision and lied, and said I was dating like crazy but no one serious, just having fun. Trying really hard to sound nonchalant and maybe a little bit sluty.
Listen, I will be the first to admit all that crap wrote about knowing I would run into him again and that I would try to be his friend , be kind to him and you know just try to be a fabulous person when I saw him again...that's ALL CRAP!
We got to the check out line he gave me one last hug and a smile,  and he walked out the door. You don't know how much I wanted him to run back in and confess his undying love for me, that he wanted me just the way I was, and that I completed him.(I blame romantic comedies for this hopeless fantasy I have in my head. I recognize it, and I embrace it) he walked out that door and out of my life. It was like my heart broke all over again, because something was different this time. Mr. H was really leaving. After holding in my tears for a good long while, I got in my car and headed straight to swigg for a sugar cookie and a dirty Dr. Pepper.  All I could do was cry. I got to my moms office and she tried to console me and later we met up with my sister and she did the same. But they couldn't make me feel better. I loved them for trying and still loving me and forgiving me for immediately taking out my frustrations on them, because how could they know how I feel? Have they ever loved someone so much that they couldn't get over them? Has that person they loved rejected them time after time? They always got what they wanted. Right? In times like these it is so easy to start comparing yourself to others and think that they haven't had struggles. It just another way to bring yourself  down.
About two weeks later I got to thinking. Was all that time I spent trying to get over Mr. H all for nothing? NO! I began to think I spent 2 plus weeks thinking about our run in, and he probably spent two seconds thinking about it. WHY am I giving so much of my energy to him? Yes, I do still have feelings for him. BUT the important thing to remember is... I have feelings for myself, and I love me. He never did.
It's like Carrie Bradshaw said "don't forget to fall in love with yourself first." I never really understood what that meant and I don't think I would if I didn't run into Mr. H. that day. For so long I looked to him or guys in general to make me feel like a was worth something. Like if a guy thought I was pretty then everything would be okay. But nothing could be further from the truth. If you don't love yourself first,[and know yourself first ] then any relationship you get into with a guy I don't think will be complete.
You know it's an on going thing, this self validation mission I have set out on this year. It doesn't make the sting of rejection any easier but I can tell you, it softens the blow. So until next time, in the immortal words of RuPaul, "if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you ever going to love someone else? Can I get an amen?"